i feel like a child.
i don’t know what i want
when they ask me what i want.
i don’t know where i want to be
i don’t know where i am.
why is it that this feeling lingers
deep, entrenched and still somehow soft
in the most awful way possible
as i stand on the stages
kind of tall - not aloof?
i am feeling some sadness
i don’t want to see.
i feel it all the time, i feel it for years.
i laugh and i play, i jump and i hug.
it all warms me then and then i am
hurt
again in my bed shivering not from cold
my teeth chattering wondering when
someone will climb into my window
and i am scared.
i feel like a child
and i feel these things so deeply like fires
swirling in some green field of gold blue water
and i feel like a child.
i know i’m a child.
i don’t look like a child but i feel like a child
and it hurts
to the core
of
me
that you’d call me young lady
and you’d call someone so innocent
that’s not me.
it faintly angers me
but i know it’s not your fault
i haven’t lost my mind.
i know it’s my fault
it spirals into me like a deep
settling dust
and it is all at once unnoticeable and heavy
and i feel sorrow
mourning for whatever
i feel like i’ve lied to myself
am i living untrue?
i feel like a child
just want to sit in the grass
stare at a mountain
and play.
i want to be free
from all these wanton desires
and why is it that every word speaks to me
with their own mind, i see a different image every time?
i am scared
i believe it is cowardly if i go away
but it hurts very much
i don’t even know why you stay.
why do you love me
why do you care?
i hate myself.
i feel like a child.
but that’s more comforting than being something else.